| Date | Name | Comment | | | 20 Sep 2005 |  Louise Hughes |  Loading...I can't see the problem with 'wordiness' myself. I've been accused of being to wordy by an elfwooder commenting on my writing. I would like to declare my support for adjectives and adverbs (I was asked at one point if wordiness was a British thing, I'm pleased it doesn't seem to be). Anyway...enough of that, back to the story. It was good and I would have liked to read the rest, but never mind. The descriptions are just fine and your style is good.  Angela Perry replies: "Thanks for visiting and commenting! I love to meet other "wordy" people *grin* Oh no, wordiness is definitely not confined to the British. Just ask my husband (if you have an hour to hear about it *giggle*)I'm glad you enjoyed the first part of the story. Someday I would like to rewrite and post it on Elfwood. If you are interested, I'd be happy to let you know when I update!" | |
| 30 Sep 2005 |  A. P. Reckert | Loading... I would never call this piece wordy, not in the least! It was short and compact enough to hold the reader's interest and leave them wanting more. I also love the equine themes in your work, and I'm curious to know if you work with horses at all. I've been an equestrian for about nine years, and you write them so convincingly that I have to believe you have some experience with them. Anyway, this was a great prologue, and you really should upload the rest of the story. I doubt it's as bad as you think. Angela Perry replies: "I have always loved horses and unicorns. I grew up in Wyoming, so I had a lot of contact with equines, and I collected unicorns for years. But unfortunately, I have never had the privilege of working with horses. Maybe one of these days...I'm glad you liked the piece! Perhaps I will go out on a limb and upload the rest of the story then *grin* I have a ticket in right now, but when that one is through, I'll put up the rest of this one." | |
| 28 Jan 2006 |  Samuel V. R. Joseph | Loading... Short, but it sure packs a punch! While waiting for more "Only at Night" (looks like I'm in for a long wait =P) I thought I'd read some of your other stuff. This was very nice indeed, well described and with a great ending. I have to ask, though, what happened to the rest of the story? Why do you sat you thought it was "terrible"? Heh, forgive my curiosity =) Anyway, great stuff! Keep it up! Angela Perry replies: "Thanks  Why was the rest of the story terrible, you ask? Well, you see, this was written many years ago, when I was under the influence of what I like to call, "cutesy, romantic, mush stories." Gah! *shudders* However, I may put up the rest, just because so many people have been curious. Hee, hee. Then you'll be able to define "terrible." *evil chuckle*As for "Only At Night," I've run up against a wall in "Worlds Sundered"...the world creation reeks. As in five-week old socks bad. So I'm going to take a break from that and go back to "Only At Night" for a bit. I'll stop by your shelf when I upload some more Thanks for the visit! I'm flattered you came back!" | |
| 2 Oct 2006 |  Seth J Borer | Loading... I liked the writing as a whole, but the color scheme didn't work for me. Golden hooves and horn with green eyes. *shakes head in elvish dismay* I should retract that comment, but I can't. This seems to be personal taste though, so Im not gonna press it. Another thing that threw me is the horse-ness. Its been awhile since I've read a unicorn that so closely resembled a horse. Usually the unicorn is so different from a horse that I don't make the connection. This time I did. Don't know if that's good or bad though. I suppose it just is. Angela Perry replies: "Really, you don't like green and gold? *gasps* I love the colors together! But then, I'm just a stinkin' human. *shuffles feet*All my unicorns resemble horses, I'm afraid. I just never got attached to the goaty-type things. Besides, I know a bit about horses, which makes describing them so much easier You really must read one of my finished stories, if you have a chance. I should take this one down, because it's been going nowhere for three years now. Try "Lounge Lizard"; I'm quite proud of that one..." | |
| 11 Oct 2006 |  Suzanne Collins | Loading... Hi Angela! Sorry for the delay in getting to your library! I'm here now, and ready to comment on this wonderful piece! I don't agree with those who say this is too wordy, I thought the first paragraph was really gripping and conveyed a strong sense of panic and franticness. The description of the unicorn is so vivid, I can almost see it! And the colours are nice too  Very sad ending, though - poor unicorn! I would like to read the rest of the story, so get onto it swift! Angela Perry replies: "Thanks for visiting, Suzanne! I'm glad you enjoyed the piece. I wish I could find the rest of the story. It's already written, and I've been thinking about cleaning it up and posting it here, but it got lost in one of my many moves :-( I'll let you know if I find it though!" | |
| 20 Feb 2007 |  L. Shanra Kuepers | Loading... blank stone wall. <- stone crushing, stone wall. Could just be me of course and no one else has picked at it, but I found it rather jarring this way. ^-^; The unicorn turned and tossed its twisted golden horn. <- So it didn't toss its head, did it? 'cause that's where you lost me anatomically. The idea of a unicorn shaking only its horn. Suddenly, the unicorn <- Suddenly is one of those 'avoid wherever possible words'. ^-~ My biggest problem with this, however, is that my mind is determined to shout 'The Last Unicorn', which rather diminishes the effectiveness of the piece. Not something you can help, I'm sure, but all the same. As quickly as the disturbance had come <- I think you actually lost momentum in the previous paragraph, although I'm at a bit of a loss to phrase why. It just seems horridly short for the climax of the piece. (And if we want to use the word 'wordy' like everyone else, I'd say it's only that paragraph where the unicorn 'fights' the shadowy thing, since the adjectives/adverbs just aren't as effective as in the rest of the piece. 'tis an old piece though, judging from the comments, so I'm sure you're better at reworking it than anything I could say about it. ^-~ I -did- like it. I really liked the beginning. It's a wonderfully vivid piece and it did feel quite panicked and frantic, which was a nice touch. ^-^ (In fact, I'm all for touches like that.) And you write equines. O_O *never did get the hang of those* I really liked the feel of this piece and the sense of back story. (I'd like to read what happened next/what's going on as well). When I was a child I used to love unicorns, but I seem to have grown out of unicorn stories (even the My Little Pony ones!), so I'm really glad I liked this as much as I did. ^-^ In any case, notwithstanding a strange adversity to the second-last paragraph, I really, really liked this. 'twas a lovely read. I'd love to see this all polished up. ^-^ Angela Perry replies: "Thanks, Shanra I'd like to see it all polished up too...I appreciate the specific feedback! I'm not very good at editing my own work (even old stuff I haven't looked at for a generation), so all of that was _very_ helpful. I'm probably going to take this one down on my next update. I have the rest of the story kicking around somewhere, but I can't find it. So when I do, I'll edit the bananas out of the whole thing and put it up *grins* It may take me a while to get motivated, though. Like you, I used to love unicorns (I had a huge collection), but I'm afraid I've moved on as well. I gave all my old unicorn posters to a neighbor years ago :-P" | |
| 28 May 2007 |  Sarah-amy haley | Loading... Soooo COLOURFUL! Yay, it's a nice little story and the end leaves it open for people to ponder ... ... Personal Ponderings: When the unicorn's eyes turned red she absorbed the evil of the black unicorn, this booted out some of the good in him/her and took the 'soul' of the black one, making it dissolve. The good and evil merged to form the essence of human conscience, the good unicorn left the colourful fantasy land to join the 'real world' as the heart of the first human. Leaving the fantasy land, where things exists as all or nothing, empty - except for the bluebirds and whatnot! And that’s the story of the first human which has nothing what so ever to do with the title...hmmm, I'm not very good at this... Anyway I think my point is that I liked you story... *slopes away feeling slightly embarrassed* ... Angela Perry replies: "Well hello Sarah! I'm so happy to see (figuratively speaking) a new face! And wow...I wish my personal ponderings were that deep and creative. The actual story that originally went with the prologue was nothing that creative. So, I hereby grant you permission to finish the blasted thing *touches Sarah with permission wand*Thanks for the comment!" | |
| 6 Jun 2007 |  Randall Owen Salau | Loading... I liked this a lot! The start confused me a little, as I imagined the evil pursuer was perhaps a forest fire. Then of course the crumbling rocks didn't make sense, so I read it again and this time paid more attention to the title as well - Ahh, Equinox! Now it all fits! I think you started a few sentences with "The Unicorn ..." in the same paragraph, which sounded a bit clunky. Apart from that, no crit at all. I wouldn't have guessed you wrote this many years ago, it is a very mature piece of writing. Simply wonderful! Angela Perry replies: "Well, thank you very much, Randall I really appreciate your feedback. One of these days, I'm going to have to see where this story takes me. Or else post the rest of the old story for kicks and giggles...I noticed a shiny new star on your page since I last visited. Congrats!" | |
| 26 May 2008 |  B. Layne Weaver | Loading... Hi, Angela!
Wow... this is indeed a very intriguing prologue! Such vivid imagery packed into such a short piece.
You asked for feedback, so let me see what I can find...
The unicorn bounded swiftly across the grassy clearing and plunged heedlessly into the surrounding forest. --> possibly a teeeeeny bit adjective/adverb heavy in that first sentence. I wouldn’t worry about it, though, since the rest of the paragraph is not. If you wanted to take out one, I would go for "swiftly," since bounding, at least as how I think of it, shows speed and energy in itself.
Love the entity that is chasing it! Very creepy and mysterious O_O Poor unicorn...
A shattering whinny tore through the enveloping silence, and a ruby red horn slashed its way through the blinding smog. --> another sentence that feels a bit heavy on the adjective/adverbs.
Very creepy little story O_O And the title is neat, too. It might have been more for the full story, but it works for the prologue too... the equal part of light and shadow.
Nicely done! | |
| 26 May 2008 | B. Layne Weaver | Loading... And as much as I love Shanra, I disagree with the absolute avoidance of the word "suddenly." It’s a perfectly acceptable little adverb. The only problem with it is it tends to be overused, which is not the case in this prologue. [/two cents throw-in] Angela Perry replies: "Thank you for the feedback!" | |
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Rachel sharon edidin
Elisabeth A. Wilhelm